Mon, 16 Aug 1999

So I went up to Chicago last weekend on account of my hometown, Port Byron, where I live, has this thing called Tug Fest which is where they put a big rope across the Mississippi River and Port Byron, my home town, where I live and have lived for 20 years, has a big Tug O' War with LeClaire, which is across the river from Port Byron, where I live, and I hate it.
I hate Tug Fest.
I hate it because there's all these redneck hippy assholes who park their pick-up trucks in my yard and in front of my driveway and just in the middle of the street - the middle of every street and they just park their cars and trucks there so you can't ever drive anywhere, or if you can, you have to take alternate routes and it's in August so it's very hot and you have to drive very slowly to avoid the hundreds of redneck hippy assholes who are walking the streets and tossing their beercans in my yard and peeing in my yard and like shooting each other in my yard.
I'm not kidding, This one Tug Fest, a few years ago, there was like a gun fight right in my yard.  Like this one redneck hippy hillbilly asshole saw another redneck hippy hillbilly asshole who his clan was feuding with or something and pulled a gun and chased him through my yard and across my driveway and I think he shot at him but nobody got killed, I don't think.  I didn't really pay attention because they're all redneck hillbilly hippy assholes anyway and I hate them.
So, to get away from Tug Fest, I went to Chicago and stayed with my friend Jef in his new apartment and we went to see the band kill hannah play only they kinda sucked so I was a little sad but mostly their music was lasor beams and robot noises and stuff, like old Kraftwerk type stuff mixed with Gary Numan 80s New Wave stuff so that was kinda neat but not really what I was expecting.
Anyway, that was friday and then like on Sunday, i was having dinner with my friend Amy whom I sometimes call Fuckmouse and we were going to see the new Star Wars again but then decided that we should just go eat dinner instead because I was driving home that night back to Port Byron, where I live.
So we went to this place, I think it's called Sally's or something and we wanted a table in the non-smoking section but they were all full so we had to wait by the dessert carousel.  We looked at all the pies and cakes and Jello and bottled water - they had bottled water on display with the desserts – I don't know why and I was like looking the place over.
It was one of those 24 hour Denny's type places only a bit nicer and with more colour in the decor.  And I saw this waitress walking around in the dining area serving people and she had an eye patch.  And I though to myself, "Wow!  I hope we get to be served by the One Eyed Waitress!"  Just then, the host told us our table was ready and we went and sat down in the non-smoking section and began to peruse the menus.
Then, the One Eyed Waitress came over and I got all excited.  She  tarted by asking us what we wanted to drink and Amy ordered a Sprite and I asked if there was a Dr Pepper or Mr Pibb or similar beverage but the One Eyed Waitress said "Don't I wish!" which I took as a No and said I'd settle for a Coke.  Then, the One Eyed Waitress asked us what we wanted and Amy ordered something which I can't remember what it was.  Some kind of omellete or souflette or something healthy like that and the waitress flipped out!
She totally flipped out!
She was like "That's the third time tonight we've had that order!  I can't believe it!  You're the third person to order that from me here tonight!  The cook's not going to believe me when I tell him!  He's going to be all like "Are you kidding?  Another one?"  and I'll be all like "That's what she wants, man!"
And so the One Eyed Waitress turns to me and says "So, what'll you have?" and I say "I'd like to eat up the Turkey Clubhouse."  And she just looks at me... with her one good eye... and says "Are you kidding?  That's the third time that's been ordered tonight!  Different tables from the other one but still two other orders!"  and I'm like "Well, I can just have a cheeseburger or something if this is going to upset you." and she was like "No, you should go where your hunger leads you."
So then like Amy and I talked about how crazy this One Eyed Waitress was for a while and then after a bit our food came but our drinks did not.  I didn't really notice on account of I drink a lot of water anyway and I was enjoying that but Amy said "This would sure be better if I had my Sprite!" and that's when I noticed that my Coke was not present.
So we then went about trying to flag down the waitress which was difficult on account of she only had the one eye and it seemed that as she was serving the other patrons of the restaurant, she always had her bad eye facing us so she could never see us frantically trying to get her attention.
Finally, as we were devouring the last morsels of our meals, the One Eyed Waitress came over to ask if everything was all right which waitresses always do and usually everything is all right unless maybe you want like a refill or something but we didn't even have the option of getting a refill as we'd never received our drinks in the first place.  It was bad enough that they had no Dr Pepper or Mr Pibb or Dr Slice or Mr Thunder or Cap'n Moonbeam and I had to get Coke.  But having settled for Coke, I was denied even that inferior beverage by the One Eyed Waitress.
So she came over and asked if everything was all right and I said No and Amy said "We need our drinks." and the One Eyed Waitress blanched and gasped and apologized and ran off to the kitchen.  Moments later, she returned with our drinks and thanked us for our patience and told Amy and I that we should be made Saints and I told her that I already was a Saint which I am through the Universal Life Church out of Modesto California.
But the One Eyed Waitress got real scared and said "I gotta go" and left to go wait on someone else.  Amy didn't want to leave a tip at first but we ended up leaving $2.00 which I thought was about right because even though she forgot our drinks, it was pretty cool to be served by a One Eyed Waitress.