This morning I listened to the radio on purpose.  This was the first time I've done that in years.  Actually, I did listen to Art Bell for a while but that's talk radio and it's AM.  Somehow that makes a difference in my mind.

    When I was in high school, there was a radio station called 99 Plus KFMH.  Don't bother trying to find it now, it's dead.  In its place you'll find the bloated, cowboy hat wearing, be-spurred KBOB feasting on the rotting corpse of true alternative music.  You see, back in the early '90's, the word "alternative" was more than a synonym for "all music made after 1992."  I actually enjoyed listening to the radio then because I knew I would be hearing something different and new and strange.
    KFMH had a fabulous show called Off The Beaten Track.  It was hosted by Mary of the Heartlands and her sidekick, Roberto.  They played alternative music before alternative music was cool.  They played the Smashing Pumpkins before Gish came out.  They played Nirvana before Nevermind came out.  They played NIN before Trent made it big.  They played Ministry and Revolting Cocks and Skinny Puppy before anybody outside of Chicago had ever heard of industrial music.  They played techno and punk rock and hip '80's new wave bands before retro was in.  They played weird shit you just don't hear on the radio.
    OTBT had it all.  That show singlehandedly introduced me to 80% of my favourite bands:  King Missile, Killdozer, Smashing Pumpkins, Breeders, Buzzcocks, Alice Donut, nine inch nails, Belly, Negativland, Alice In Chains, Primus, New Duncan Imperials, Poster Children, A House, Messiah, Soundgarden, Head Candy, Lemonheads, Revolting Cocks, Suicidal Tendencies, Victim's Family, Slugs, Treponem Pal, Elvis Hitler, Paleface, Tori Amos, Squirrels, Big Hat, Dread Zeppelin,  Pitch Black Manor and, of course, Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine.
    Carter USM is my favourite band ever.  Everyone who knows me knows that.  Nobody in this country has ever heard of them but I own 23 Carter CDs as well as several compilations and tributes they appear on and even some side projects from members of the band.  Of the 219 existing Carter songs, I own 177.  They are the music of my life and I owe it all to Mary and Roberto.

    Carter was actually played on MTV once upon a time.  There used to be a show called 120 Minutes that played alternative music.  Yes, I know that the show is still on but when Dave Kendall left the soul of 120 Minutes died.  Now it's just another chance to play the newest Korn video for the 17th time that day.  But back when it was a worthwhile endeavour to watch MTV, they played at least three Carter videos.  I have them on tape.

    KFMH had more than just weird alternative music.  They had blues shows and rock shows and once a week they would play a brand new album in its entirety.  I remember when they played the first Cracker album.  I taped it.  It was great.  I also got Wish by the Cure that way.  Radio used to be a great idea.  Before the dark times.  Before the Empire.
    "How did my father die?"
    "A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil..."
    Sorry.  I... Sorry.

    When KFMH died and KBOB's Country Bear Jamboroo rose from its ashes, I was appalled and saddened beyond measure.  I tried to enjoy the rockin' good times provided by 97X.  I tried to enjoy listening to Bad To The Bone and Radar Love and Smokin' In The Boys' Room and every song by the Scorpions and Motley Crüe but I just couldn't do it.  Don't get me wrong; I had my rock and metal phase.  I listened to Black Sabbath and Manowar and Rush.  Blue Öyster Cult was my favourite band for years, I swear!  I have notebooks scrawled with their album titles and song lyrics.  That weird cross symbol of theirs was drawn on everything I owned in 1990.  I did metal; I just needed something more now and I couldn't go back... yet.

    Then, after a terrible void, there was a glimmer of hope.  Planet 93.5 arrived out of nowhere and promised to be the Quad Cities Alternative Music Station.  Hungry, I turned in and found a world of no DJs or commercials - only the Cure and the Violent Femmes and Green Day.  I swear they played nothing else.  All day for months they played "Inbetween Days", "Blister In The Sun", "Longview", "A Walk", "Add It Up" and "Basketcase" on a continuous loop with the occasional "Tainted Love" or "Bizarre Love Triangle" thrown in (New Order, not Frente!).
    It wasn't great but it was tolerable.  I'm not a Green Day fan (though I do own Dookie) but I love the Cure and the Violent Femmes and knowing that I could hear them both at any given time at the flip of a dial was pretty cool.  Sadly, even this poor substitute of an alternative station didn't last.  Off The Beaten Track was revived with Roberto hosting but it wasn't the same.  They played the same dozen songs MTV was playing non-stop that day and filled the gaps with lousy techno.  It was sad.  Radio was dead... again.

    All of that changed this morning.  93.5 underwent a change.  For days they had been playing a continuous loop of this really awesome lounge music for ducks back to back with a stupid King of the Hill parody of that sunscreen song.  The duck song reminded me heavily of this really odd synthesizer music Mrs Varner, our grade school music teacher, used to play.  "Spooks In Space" was the title of one such song.  It was awesome.  (My stepdad once referred to Mrs Varner as "a little Nazi."  That's funny.)
    Laura pointed this weird loop out to Ness and I just last night.  "They're clearly changing their format or something," Ness said.
    "Yes, but to what?" was Laura's reply.
    "Maybe they're going to play alternative music for a change," I sneered.

    This morning, I dreamt of loud rock music.  It was in all of my dreams.  I woke up to find that across the street was a group of guys putting siding on the house the hillbilly family lives in and they had a radio turned up real loud.  97X.  That reminded me of what 93.5 had been doing so I  turned on the radio and tried to find that weird duck lounge music.  I wanted to tape it.
    In place of smooth synthesizer music and quacking sound effects I was greeted with the Smashing Pumpkins song "Cherub Rock."  My first thought was that my earlier joke had been right.  Maybe they were instigating a new and better alternative rock format.  The next song was Living Color's "Cult Of Personality."  So far, so good.  I was pretty happy.  Maybe radio was coming back to life.
    Then it happened.  Between songs a deep-voice said "93 ROCK!" and the opening bars of Motley Crüe's "Girls Girls Girls" shattered my dreams of ever hearing Carter on the radio again.  Just as I was beginning to curse and froth, I heard something I never thought I'd hear again.  It was Dio.  Rainbow In The Dark.  I couldn't help but laugh out loud as the hardest working midget in heavy metal belted out those nonsensical lyrics.  I couldn't turn the radio off.  Not ever.
    I listened all day.  I heard Pink Floyd played back to back with Korn or Limp Bizkit or some other dreadful piece of shit band.  I heard Pearl Jam, the Black Crowes, Metallica and the new Smashing Pumpkins single all in the same set.  There was a kind of harmony forming.  It was all just rock 'n' roll, really.  It didn't matter if it was alternative or metal or classic.  It was all just rock 'n' roll in the end.

    A little over an hour ago, in my car, I ejected the Smashing Pumpkins tape I had been listening to so I could see how 93 ROCK was holding up.  Guess what I heard?  Holy Diver!  That's right!  Once again they were playing some Dio.  Two Dio songs in one day!  I couldn't believe it!  I cranked the volume up, sang along with that zesty Italian metal bastard and beat my fists on the steering wheel along with the drum fills.  I was young again!  Rock 'n' roll made me young again!  Thank you, Ronnie James!  Thank you!