The following is an e-mail I sent to general@express

The following is an e-mail I sent to general@express.com on Dec 6, 2000.

Now, I've dealt with incompetence before.

I'm sure we all have to some degree.

But the cake has been taken and the hungry thief's name is Express.com.

Look at you.

Frosting all over fingers and a shit eating grin 12 parsecs wide.

I look out my window and I see that it's snowing.

That means that it's Winter.

I look at my calendar and I see that it's December 6th.

Then I look at your website at the release date for The Prisoner DVDs.

http://www.express.com/consumer/products_movies_fr.asp?NO_CATALOG=X&PRODUCTNUMBER=19850

(Just in case you get lost.)

I see that they're due to come out October 31st.

That's very funny because, you see, I ordered them from you on or about October 15th and they're still not here.

At first I was told by your staff that there was a delay in getting them shipped to you by the manufacturer.

This led me to believe that perhaps ITC or A&E had delayed shipping them to everybody.

So I waited, confident that the good people who delivered my other DVDs so quickly and efficiently in the past would NOT fuck me over with the single most anticipated moment of my life - the release of the 1967 classic TV programme - The Prisoner - on DVD.

I waited and waited and received zero DVDs in my mailbox.

The UPS truck would drive past my building and I'd get all excited but he never stopped.

Then, a curious thing happened. I was in Borders.

You know, the giant corporate book store with way overpriced CDs?

And what do you suppose I saw there?

Why, it was The Prisoner on DVD and for the same price you were offering them.

Or, rather, pretending to offer them seeing as how you still haven't received any copies.

I immediately contacted you people and cancelled my order confident that you had NO intention of ever sending me the Prisoner DVDs nor did you ever intend to tell me that you've simply opted not to carry them.

I look at your website now and I see that you still don't have them.

I've sinced purchased them from Border's and enjoyed them immensely.

I could've purchased them 36 days ago had I been informed by your courteous staff that you intended to delay my pleasure with wicked abandon.

I had originally intended for this to be a much harsher e-mail.

I was going to bitch and complain and tell you exactly how much dick you suck.

Not you personally, whomever is reading this, but the company.

But, as I said, it's snowing out and I find myself filled with Holiday Cheer.

So, I'm holding back and trying to be nice about this.

Your customer support is lacking.

Your website is inefficient.

You post release dates willy nilly and do NOT verify them or inform your customers when there's been a change.

Congratulations.

You've just lost a customer.

Grahm

The following is an e-mail I received from orders@express.com on Dec 6, 2000.

Dear EXPRESS.COM Customer,

Unfortunately, your email arrived with one or more objectionable words, and
therefore could not be answered.

Please resend your email at your convenience, making sure to delete these
words. We will be happy to answer your question at that time.

Thank you.

Please let me know if you have any further questions.

Sincerely,

Alec Campbell

On Dec 7, 2000, I swapped out shit, fuck and dick for sh*t, f*ck and d*ck in the hopes that it would pass their rigorous robotic inspection process. It is now Dec 16, 2000 and I’ve received no further word from the good people at Express.com.