Derik Falk Superjerk

SONGS

PROLOGUE
(pleasant acoustic ballad guitar)

Come with me and we'll take a walk
I'll tell you all about Derik Falk
A boy who grew up in this very town
We'll follow him up and watch him come down
As we track the life of this boy who lied
who cheated, stole, broke hearts and... died?

Our story begins in Junior High
where Derik played Dungeons and Dragons
He imagined himself in a magical world
on adventures just like Bilbo Baggins

LYNCTHROPODS
SNAKES, GERBILS AND FERRETS, OH MY!

I DON'T REALLY EVEN LIKE HIM (JESSICA'S SONG)
(parody of "I Don't Know How To Love Him")

I don't even really like him
What to do, how to leave him
I'm enraged, yes so enraged
In these past few months
Realized he's a chump
And tried to break it off

I don't think I can take this
Can't stand it when he's with me
He's a jerk, some kind of jerk
And I've seen so many jerks before
But Derik takes the cake
He's such a jerk

Should I scream and shout
Should I punch him out
Should I stab his ass
Whip my switchblade out
I never thought I'd date such a prick
What's a girl to do

You must think it's kind of funny
I should date such a loser
Yeah, I'm hot
Completely hot
But I'm so mean
Completely mean
That no one will date me
I scare them so

I never thought I'd date such a prick
What's a girl to do

Why does he even date me
All I do is abuse him
But I don't know
Don't even know
Where I could find a boy
Another boy
Who lets me beat him so
I just dunno

OTHER PEOPLE'S GIRLFRIENDS
IT'S A MAN'S LIFE (IN WADE AND DAVE'S ARMY)

LOYALTY OATH
(parody of the Priests' Song)

Dave
We call this meeting of Wade and Dave's Army to discuss what to do about the traitor: Derik Falk. Derik has stolen the local maps that we stole ourselves. He is telling people, girls mostly I assume, that he is the one who has stolen the maps. He is undermining our authority and endangering our mission all for the sake of impressing chicks.

LLO: He is dangerous!

Wade
What do we do about this traitorous Derik?
He stole our maps so he could try to get girls

Kris
Do we even need him as part of our Army?

Dave
With him in the way how can we conquer the world?

Kris
Did you hear what he did to that poor baby cow?

Dave
He told me that he let the cow lick his BOOP!

Wade
Did you hear about the time when Jess tried to stab him?

Dave
I'll tell you one thing: this Derik's a hick

Kris
Should we kick him out? I don't think that we need him

Dave
Lets make him take a Loyalty Oath
Then if he messes up just once more...

Wade
We'll tell him together; he'll hear from us both

Dave
Fool! You have no idea
The danger we're facing is frighteningly high
We must crush him completely
If he breaks his Oath then
This Derik must die

For the sake of our Army
This Derik must die

All
Must die, must die
This Derik must die

For the sake of our army
This Derik must die
Must die, must die
This derik must, derik must, totally die

Wade
Jesus, dude! That's a little harsh! I mean, he just stole a goddamn map.

Dave
Fine. We'll just kick him out if he screws up again.

FAT LITTLE IDIOT
BOULDER BECKONS (I'LL BE A SHAMAN)
EVERY TEAM NEEDS A MASCOT
TROUBLE IN PARADISE

HOMEWRECKIN' SUNOVABITCH (DAVE'S SONG)
(abrasive blues rock)

Kickin' Molly Givin' hippy chicks a cough
Makin' life a livin' Hell for that slimy Derik Falk
Cheatin' on the bills Kickin' that ol' punk
I don't give a shit 'cuz I'm a nasty mother-fucker

'Cuz I'm a home-wreckin' sunuvabitch            (Home-wreckin' sunuvabitch)
I'll leave ya bruised 'n' beaten, lyin' in a ditch   (Bruised 'n' beaten, lyin' in a ditch)
'Cuz I'm a home-wreckin' sunuvabitch            (Home-wreckin' sunuvabitch)

So, I'm a big ol' meanie Gimme no quarter
Got to get to Derik 'fore he marries Kurt's daughter
That little weasel He knows the score
Gonna take, take, take and then I'll take some more (Take some more)

You might think I'm a bully That ain't true
You couldn't help fuckin' with him if it were you
Yeah, I beat him up He just didn't get it
Gonna fuck shit up for that fat little idiot (Fatty, fatty Fat little idiot)

YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN
CALVIN'S LAMENT

BACK MY PLAY
(slow and sad with rising action/hope but falling, crushing defeat)

"I'll either be going to school in Chicago or backpacking through Indo-China, depending on my father. Sometimes I just wish he'd back my play."

Where do I go? Where will I fit in?
Not in my hometown; Not with the lesbians

Will I ever find a place that I can call my own?
Where people will accept me; where I will feel at home?

Could it be Chicago? Loyola University?
Does the Windy City hold a special place for me?

I'll study hard and I'll become a famous anthropologist
I'll dig up bones and treasures from the earth's mysterious past
And maybe then I'll find a girl and she will be my wife
Then I could let myself believe there's a reason to my life

If o-nly Dad
would back my play
I know that I
could find a way

Or maybe Indo-China where a man can be a man
Hiking with the Dalai Lama and the abominable snowman

There I could hone my Shaman mind; I'd become one with the mountain
And perhaps along the way I'd find an escape from all the houndin'
of the people who want so much from me; my freedom, my love and my money
I could run away, you bet - to the mountains of Tibet

If o-nly Dad
would back my play
I know that I
could find a place
Where I belong
Where I'd be free
Where I can just
be... MEEEEE!

-sigh-

But sadly, this can never be. Forever I'll stay lost in
my perpetual misery. I guess I'll go to Boston.

SUPERJERK
(parody of Superstar)

Derik Falk! Derik Falk!
You talk the talk but you can't walk the walk

Derik Falk! Superjerk!
What made you think that your plan would work?

Derik Falk! Imbecile!
You never do what you say you will

BOSTON BECKONS (I'LL BE A PIRATE)
EPILOGUE

ANTHROPOLOGIST LESBIAN PIRATE SHAMAN MASCOT BLUES
(classic blues riff)

I'm always the victim I'm never to blame
I'm always putting on airs Yeah, it's always the same
Hiking through Indo-China Lying to my friends
Smoked two packs of cigarettes My torture never ends

When it comes to bullshit
I really like to talk
I can sling it with the best of 'em
'Cuz I'm Derik Falk

Told my ho' I had to leave She wanted me to stay
I told her "Don't you cry, you know I'll be okay"
Well, I've done my best to bankrupt all my friends
I don't pay the bills and I don't pay the rent

When it comes to bullshit
I really like to talk
I can sling it with the best of 'em
'Cuz I'm Derik Falk

If I look back between now and then,
Give me one more chance and I'd do it all again

When it comes to bullshit
I really like to talk
I can sling it with the best of 'em
'Cuz I'm Derik Falk

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